Super Sensitive/Transcript
Oscar Leroy: Hey, I got a new joke for you. Why did the blonde tie a magnet to her fishing line? Davis Quinton: I don't know, why? Oscar: She was fishing for steel head trout. Davis: Good one. Why can't blondes make ice cubes? Oscar: I don't know, why? Davis: 'Cause they keep forgetting the recipe. You don't seem to be enjoying the jokes. Karen Pelly: Maybe it's because I'm blonde. Oscar: Right, she doesn't get them. Karen: Here's one. Why did the blonde cop stiff her partner for the lunch bill? Davis: I don't know, why? Oscar: That wasn't a very funny joke. Davis: Still, not bad for a blonde. Hank Yarbo: Hey Lacey, how much would it cost to buy everyone here a coffee? Lacey Burrows: About $15. Hank: Oh man, celebrating's expensive. Brent Leroy: Wasn't always that way. I remember when you could celebrate with a truckload of dynamite and a bottle of whiskey and all it cost you was a buck. Sorry, I was having coffee with a couple of old guys earlier. What are you celebrating? Hank: As of my string of bad luck is over. Seven years ago today I broke a mirror. I'll never forget that day. Lacey: I think we can all guess how this ends. Hank: Oh no, you can't. All I can say is thank God for that marshmallow truck. Brent: Yes strange, I was with you when you broke that mirror. That's not how I remember it. Hank: Fine, but tell me you didn't think my truck story was better. Wanda Dollard: That'll be $10.75. Anything else? Emma Leroy: No, I haven't used my debit card in a while. I want to see if it still works. Wanda: OK. Nope, won't work. Emma: Is it expired? Wanda: Nope, it's a membership to a gym. Rec Plex. Isn't that in the City? Emma: Oh, that thing. Oscar gave it to me but I never use it. I hate going to the City. Oscar: I was hoping she'd go, a lot. Wanda: Well, if you're not going to use it, I'll use it. Oscar: You'd like that, wouldn't you? Wanda: Yeah, that's why I asked. Emma: I don't know, it says non-transferable. Wanda: Ah, that's just a fancy way of saying you can't transfer it. The would just be lending it. It doesn't say "non-lend to a friend-able." Besides, they never check. Oscar: How do you know? This place could have barbed wire, retina scans and who knows what else. I agree with Emma, the answer's no. Emma: Oh, go ahead and take it. Wanda: Thanks. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Karen's brought it to my attention that you've been telling blonde jokes in the workplace. Did you tell the one about the blonde and the ice cream cone? Karen: Fitzy! Fitzy: Well, if I'm gonna send him to a sensitivity course, I have to know what it's for. Davis: Sensitivity course? It was just a couple of blonde jokes. Fitzy: I know, but once someone registers a formal complaint then I have to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Karen: Thanks for your support, Fitzy. Fitzy: You bet. Karen: Enjoy your sensitivity course. Oh, and bring me back something warm and fuzzy. Hank: This is great, I've never felt so free. I'm thinking of buying a lottery ticket. The mirror company called, offered me my old trucking job back. Lacey: Wasn't that a fake story? Hank: Don't rain on my parade. Brent: Nothing has changed. The only thing that's changed is your attitude. Hank: Oh yeah? Tell this to this penny I found. Brent: All right. Nothing has changed. The only thing that's changed is Hank's attitude. See, he gets it. There's no such thing as bad luck, or good luck or the Joy Luck Club. That was just a movie, I think. Lacey: I'll prove it. Hank: Wait, no, no, don't do it. I've been there, don't do it. Lacey: Supposed to be a button on this, right? Why won't it...oh, come on. Brent: Here, let me try. Oop. Hank: See, huh? You're cursed now, cursed. What did I just tell ya? Brent: That I was cursed? Wanda: Hi. Rec Plex Attendant: Hello. Wanda: I'm a member and I'm Emma Leroy. Attendant: Go ahead. Wanda: You'll notice that I'm a little taller in this picture. That's because the camera adds five inches. But of course, you already...go ahead, right. I'll head on in because I'm a member. Attendant: No, wait a minute. Wanda: I'm wearing flats for God's sake. I'm much taller than I look. Attendant: I just wanted to know if you'd like to enter the draw. It's free for members. Wanda: I am a member and I am Emma. You may notice that my signature has changed, a little. That's because my fingers were bitten by a horse. Oh, that's pretty good actually. Anything else you'd like me to sign? Attendant: Yes, the membership renewal forms. Wanda: Sure, why not? Make it an extra two or three years. This is a great facility, I love coming here. Which way are the changing rooms? Attendant: That way. Wanda: Right. Davis: Is this sensitivity training? Al Goar (Sensitivity Teacher): Yes, come on in. We're just about to start. Emma (phone): Hello. Attendant (phone): It's Jerry, calling from the Rec Plex. I got some news about the raffle. Emma (phone): What raffle? Attendant (phone): For the flat screen TV. You won. Emma (phone): Oh, that raffle. Oscar: Who is it? Emma: It's the Rec Plex. Oscar: Uh-oh, Wanda blew it. Are they suing us? I told you, you should have never joined that stupid Rec Plex. Emma: They say I won a flat screen TV. Oscar: I love the Rec Plex. Glad I signed you up. Hank: What's that ladder doing here? Brent: You're not going to walk under it are you? Hank: Well, I can't walk over it. It says right here "This is not a step." I got to walk under it. Lacey: Brent, stop torturing Hank. His life is already lousy enough as it is. Hank: Thank you. Brent: I'm not torturing him. I'm showing him that you don't have to be afraid of silly superstitions. Or any other Stevie Wonder songs. I walked under the ladder, nothing happened. Fu...I'm fine. Hank: That's two. Lacey: Two what? Hank: Bad things always come in threes. First, he spilled his soup, now he hurt his thumb. Brent: My thumb is fine. Hank: Is it supposed to bend back like that? Brent: I'll go ask the doctor. Davis: Greeting Officer Pelly, I'm back and I respect you in every way. Karen: I'm guessing sensitivity training went well. Davis: I'm a new man. Oh, person. Sorry, didn't mean to offend. Oscar: Davis, ha, ha. Davis: Oh hello, respected elder. Oscar: That's a good one. I got some new jokes for you. Why did the two blondes cross the road? Davis: To get to the university to complete their PhDs? Oscar: What the hell happened to him? Karen: He's just sensitive to other people's needs now. Oscar: Well, what about my needs to make fun of people? Karen: Maybe you should try some sensitivity training. Oscar: Oh, blow it out your shorts. Davis: Or skirt. Wanda: And so I said "That's the truth or my name isn't Emma Leroy." Which it is. Attendant: Oh, Emma. Just to follow up on our previous conversation. How's a two o'clock delivery sound? Wanda: Sounds good. Could we go back to what our previous conversation was about? Attendant: The raffle. Wanda: I entered it already. Attendant: And you won. Wanda: I won? Yes! Huzzah! Go Wanda, go Wanda, it's your birthday, it's your birthday! Go Wanda! Attendant: Who's Wanda? Wanda: Nothing. It's a friend of mine, it's her birthday. Brent: Hey Lacey, I know where we can get a black cat. Well, almost black, he's got a white tail. Lacey: A black cat with a white tail? What good is that? Listen, you know what? Why don't we just leave Hank alone? You know, maybe, maybe we should. You already almost broke your thumb and I don't want a third thing to happen to you. Not that I think a third thing is going to happen to you because I am not superstitious. Brent: Did you just tap on wood? 'Cause if you did, you didn't. That's arborite. Lacey: Oh, I tap on everything. I tap on arborite, I tap on, you know, glass. I tap on wood. Brent: Oops, clumsy me. I spilled the salt. Lacey: Here, let me get that for you. Brent: And do what with it? Lacey: Throw it in the garbage, which is over there. Wanda: I can't believe that you would try and steal my prize. Emma: Hold on. My membership, my name on the ballot, my prize. Wanda: I went to the City, I filled out the ballot, I deserve that raffle thing. Emma: You don't even know what it is, do you? Wanda: Oh, don't I? Don't I? I still want it. Emma: I'll make you a deal. You keep the membership, I keep the prize. Wanda: Which is? Emma: Which is worth less than the membership. Wanda: It's worth less? Emma: Yeah. Wanda: All right then, deal. Oscar: Emma, the Rec Plex called. They want to get a picture of us with the flat screen TV. Lacey: Hey guys, can I take your order? Davis: Well first of all, Officer Pelly's not a guy. She's what I like to call a human being. Secondly, taking an order. Sounds rather aggressive. Can we call it something like a request or a gentle reminder? Karen: Oh my God. Lacey: All right. Here's a gentle reminder, if you don't order something, you have to leave. Karen: We'll just get two coffees to go, black. Davis: African-American. Photographer: OK. Let's get the happy couple over there next to the TV. Come on, little bit closer. Little closer. Little... Oscar: Just take the damn picture. Photographer: OK, here we go. Smile and you're happy, maybe give her a little kiss or something. Wanda: Oh no, it's not that type of marriage where there's touching or anything. Photographer: At least put your arm around her. Oscar: Fine, you sicko. Photographer: Should we get the whole family in this? Emma: No, no, I'm not family. I'm just the smart-ass, know-it-all neighbour, Wanda. Brent: Now, spin around three times and say "Boogeda, boogeda." Lacey: I'm not superstitious. I'm cautious. Brent: Hey, lucky penny. Hank and Lacey: Mine. Ow. Brent: Well, if you guys don't want it...I'll take it. I'm gonna need every penny to pay the gas truck guy on Friday. Hank: Gas truck guy? You know what that means? Lacey: Mmm-hmm. That means the guy who drives the gas truck. Hank: Friday is Friday the 13th. Gas truck's coming, Brent's third thing, do the math, carry the two equals boom! Lacey: Thursday's the 13th, Friday's the 14th. Hank: So? Don't carry the two, still boom! Photographer: When I count to three, say "cheese." One... Brent: Hi, Mom. Wanda: Hello, son. Welcome home. Brent: Why are you two...who is...when did you get a new... Oscar: You mother here won it at the Rec Plex. Wanda: I go there with a membership that my husband, your father bought me. Emma: And I'm their neighbour, Wanda. Oscar: And I'm your father. Brent: Of course, that's the part that doesn't change. Photographer: Let's get your son in there as well. Wanda: Oh, I don't think that's necessary. Brent: Well, I think it's a great idea. Not often the whole family gets together like this. Let's squeeze in close and cozy. I'm the luckiest little boy in the whole world. Hank: OK, here's the plan. I tackle Brent, you cover him with oven mitts. Lacey: That gas truck has been to Corner Gas hundreds of times and nothing's happened. What makes you think that it's gonna blow up now? Hank: I don't know. Maybe Brent's feet are sore so he wears his slippers to work. He's walking around, building up static electricity, shakes hands with the gas truck guy and boom. Seriously, how many oven mitts have you got? Davis: Ah, sorry I'm late. I was helping a mentally challenged person get out of his truck. Karen: Hank? Davis: I prefer the term "mentally challenged." Karen: Well, I just wanted to apologize for being so hard on you during this sensitivity thing. So, to make it up to you, I got you a replica Star Trek phaser. Davis: Oh, Officer Pelly, how considerate of you. Karen: I put it in the jail cell to keep it safe. Davis: How resourceful. Davis: I don't see it in here. What are you doing? Oscar: You ready to be desensinated? Karen: Desensitized. Oscar: Shut it, Blondie. I'm in charge now. Lacey (phone): Hi Brent, it's Lacey. Um, I was wondering if you could swing by the Foo Mart for me and pick up some um... Hank: Oven mitts. Lacey (phone): Oven mitts. Brent (phone): Oven mitts? Listen, I'd love to but I'm late to meet the gas guy. Lacey (phone): Oh look Brent, I'm nervous about the gas truck. It's your third thing. Well, it could be your third thing, which would be your last thing. Which would be my last thing since the Ruby is so close to Corner Gas. So, that's the thing. Brent (phone): I see. Could you put Hank on? Lacey: He wants to talk to you. Hank (phone): Hey, Brent. Brent (phone): I just didn't want to hang up on Lacey. Karen: What's this? Davis: A chicken on a skateboard. Karen: An old lady slipping on a banana peel and it's funny. Oscar: Ha, ha, ha. That is funny. How old is she? What is wrong with you, Davis? Davis: I want you to know that I'm sensitive to your anger and I'm willing to stay here as long as it takes. Oscar: I say we put the hose on him. Karen: Not yet. I want to try one more thing. Wanda: Here you go. Fitzy: Thanks, Emma. Wanda: Wanda. Fitzy: Not according to this. Wanda: Where did you get one of these? Fitzy: Me and my grandma go to aquacise every Wednesday. Plus, Brent has them posted up all over town. Brent: Hey Mom. How's that new TV working out? Must be nice, you and Dad sitting on the couch getting all nice and snuggly. Wanda: Aw, OK. I can't do this anymore. Wanda: Here's your gym membership back. It is not easy being you. Emma: It's not for everyone. Oscar: OK, I'm gonna ask you some questions. Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? It said "concentrate." You find that funny? Davis: No. Oscar: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer? Ha, ha, ha. There's white-out on the screen. You find that funny? Davis: No. Karen: That's because they're not funny, they're stupid jokes. Oscar: Here, you do this one. Karen: How do you keep a blonde busy for hours? Turn over. How do you keep a blonde busy for hours? Turn over. How do you keep a blonde busy...OK, I don't get this. Davis: Snort. Oscar: He snorted! Do you find that funny? Davis: No. Oscar: Here, read him another one. Karen: What do you see if you look into a blonde's eyes? The back of her head. Davis: Ha, ha, ha. Oscar: We got him! The old Davis is back. Karen: I still don't get the "turn over" joke. Are we missing a page? Davis and Oscar: Ha, ha, ha. Emma: Morning. Attendant: Morning. Hold on, you're not Emma Leroy. Emma: Yes I am. Attendant: Nope, you're Wanda. I saw your picture in the newsletter. Emma: That's right, I am Wanda. I'm just borrowing Emma's card. Attendant: I'm sorry but we have a strict no lending policy here. Emma: No, I'm Emma. I lent Wanda my card. Attendant: But you still lent out your card. Emma: No wait...what? Attendant: All right boys, get it out of here. Oscar: Five years you've had that card and you've never gone. Way to blow it, Wanda. Brent: Hey Sparky, sorry I'm late. Lacey: For God's sake Hank, his name is Sparky. Do something. Hank: Hey Brent, ah, I got some chili cheese dogs in my truck. What say you and I go eat them? You know, in my truck. Brent: Why do people always think they can distract me with chili cheese dogs? I mean, you don't actually have chili dogs, do you? Hank: No. Sparky (Gas Truck Guy): So ah, this your gas tank, right? Not your diesel because you don't want to mix your gas and your diesel. Brent: Really, why not? Lacey: There is nothing I love more than a man talking about diesel. Brent: What are you doing? Sparky's not even your type. Lacey: Oh, ease up Brent. You're killing the heat. Brent: OK, off you go now. Lacey: It's for your own good. What do we do now? Hank: I don't know. But we got enough gas to go all the way to Mexico. Ha, ha, ha. Lacey: Oh. Hank: Aw great, seven more years bad luck. Lacey: Sorry about that, we got a little carried away there. Sparky: That's all right. You wanted to get my attention. Chicks dig gas guys. Am I right, Brent? Brent: Oh, abso-tootly. Hank: Sorry I broke your mirror. Sparky: No biggie, I billed it to Brent. Brent: What? Lacey: No, that's good. That's your third thing. Sparky: So, when are you off work? Lacey: Never. Oscar: Why did the blonde go to the drive-in in December? She wanted to see the movie "Closed for the Winter." Davis, Karen, Oscar: Ha, ha, ha. Karen: Good one. Hey, did you guys hear the one about the pygmy, the monk and the cannibal? Karen: Hi, I'm Karen. I don't know why I'm here. All I did was tell a little joke. Category:Transcripts